DAY 5 - OCT 16 - Keeping it real
It's time to come clean about something that has been weird and different about Ayla's adoption journey from B'Elanna's adoption journey.
First, let me make it VERY Clear. This little girl is MY daughter, I know this, the universe knows this... but sometimes it takes a Mommy Heart a bit to catch up with what the brain and the universe knows. I KNOW she is my daughter, because....
1.) I was matched with her at the Exact Right Time. I had just gotten back from my 2015 deployment on the USS Theodore Roosevelt. I had already signed with my agency and had read another little girls file (who I fell in Love with!!), but my Mom had said No. With my Navy work commitments, her physical needs would be too much for me and for Grammy when she cared for the girl. So I had to say No. That was REALLY hard, because I had fallen in love with her little face. Well, I got back a few days before Thanksgiving, had the 4-day weekend, and CCAI called me the day after the holiday's with Zhou Li Dan's file.
2.) CCAI had their first Heart Connection tour that included volunteers... and they were going to Zhengzhou. I wasn't able to go, but Grammy WAS. She got to meet her 2nd granddaughter before Mommy did!!!
3.) The timeline has worked out perfect. I am transferring to a new assignment in Jan/Feb time frame. I will be able to travel to China, take my full 21 days of Adoption Leave and get Ayla some of the initial important medical appointments started, all before we transfer!!
OK, so with all that being said... that doesn't mean my Heart felt the connection to Ayla. I did all the paperwork... but I wasn't freaked out by timelines this time. I sent the initial care package, but didn't get pictures back... so didn't bother with any additional care packages. I enjoyed getting my update pictures and information... but I wasn't obsessed with them like I was with B'Elanna's pictures and updates.
Then, Grammy traveled to Zhengzhou and got to meet Zhou Li Dan. She got more pictures, she was able to talk about how she reacted, how she little her feet are and how little her body felt. She was able to get some additional videos! Then my heart started to connect a bit... but still not the same feeling I was having with B'Elanna's adoption.
Then, we got to China. For me, all the touring in Beijing was about B'Elanna. I wanted her to have a little bit of a connection. I wanted her to have the pictures and videos of herself "walking in her ancestors footsteps". I think that is going to mean something to her when she is older.
And... Ayla became more Real. My heart has been pounding and I haven't been able to sleep as well... even though I am Terribly Jet Lagged!!! (Gosh I'm getting old... I didn't feel any of this Jet Lag four years ago!!) I keep having to remind myself to breathe, because I'm in the same timezone as Ayla!!
Well, today Reality has struck FULL FORCE!! Our group boarded our train to Zhengzhou!!! The other Mom's and I talked SO MUCH during the train ride, I think we missed most of the views outside the windows! I exchanged the wad of American dollars for Chinese RMB!! I came up to the hotel room and THE CRIB IS IN THE ROOM!!! B'Elanna and I went to Walmart to buy supplies (food, diapers, bottle... new Stroller!). And the Ultimate Test that I'm nervous and scared and excited for tomorrow... I got mad at Mom for a couple stupid things and I have been short with B'Elanna when she has just been trying to help.
Yeah... I think my heart has finally connected with my Brain!!!
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